Our Baby Story - Post 3: Beautiful Let Down

Two weeks ago we boarded a jet plane and headed for the adult playground in Las Vegas, the entire time wondering, "Did it work? Are we pregnant?" We took in fabulous shows, ate our weight in decadent food, and shopped like super stars. It was the best vacation we have ever taken. We laughed and held hands like we had been married 5 minutes, not 5 years. We rented a yellow Corvette, Brad's dream car and the closest thing he'll ever have to a mistress and we drove to the Hoover Dam. It was dreamy...me, my man (wearing a perm-a-grin), and a sports car. But as much fun as we were having, we were elated to come to the end of our trip so we could find out the next piece of our God-appointed destiny.

The longest day in the history of days was the day we flew home. Our flight was landing home at 2:35pm and my pregnancy test was scheduled at 3:00pm. Who struggles with patience? Obviously, not me! My heart was pounding so fast as we drove to the doctor's office that I had to close my eyes and calm my breathing so as not to hyperventilate. We walked in the office,I rolled up my sleeve, blood was drawn...and then they said they would call me with results in an hour! Did I mention how I'm not so good at waiting? Turns out, neither are my family and friends. My phone blew up as I texted everyone as fast as my thumbs could text letting them all know what we knew...nothing! UGH!

Brad and I drove home in silence. Brad had clients scheduled and I dreaded receiving the results in his absence. He dropped me off at home with a tight hug, a kiss, and instructions to text him the words "CALL ME" when the results came. He didn't want to be working on a client and receive a phone call - whether good news or bad news - and take someone's ear off during a hair cut. Fair enough.

So I sat on the couch in my living room still trying not to hyperventilate. I prayed. I tried not to hyperventilate. I prayed more. And finally the phone rang. I answered and heard the nurse's shaky voice. I said it so she didn't have to, "The pregnancy test was negative." She answered back, "Yes, it was negative." Apparently, none of the nurses wanted to call us to tell us the bad news. She said she didn't understand why God wouldn't give us a baby - well, that made two of us. But I told her that we still trusted God for His perfect timing and His perfect will. I told her that we still believe that He is good. I must have needed to hear it more than she did, because by the end of the conversation I was calm inside and out. No outbursts of tears - not that tears are a sign of not trusting God or anything like that - but in those moments, all was calm in my spirit. We were being given the Divine opportunity to live out loving Him, serving Him, and trusting Him when we didn't get what we prayed for, begged for, pleaded for. We were living what it feels like to trust Him even when we don't get our way. Yuck. It's hard!
I texted Brad and waited for the phone to ring. He called and I shared the news with him. The disappointment dripped from his voice as he said, "I'll be home in a minute" and he was. We hugged and tears fell.

All night the phone calls and texts came. Everyone was feeling the disappointment with us, sharing the burden - the crazy thing is their love and support lessened our burden. God's design for human relationships is so perfect. He wants us to operate as a unified family and when the Church is personified in that way in your life, it makes the difference between life and death. We could have curled in the fetal position and never recovered from this. But God has given us such a rich family to surround us and share the burden and pray and give us His Word to cling to, that we had no choice but to be lifted up. It was incredible. It still is incredible.

The infertility process has a quick turnaround. We found out we weren't pregnant on Thursday night and we began the process again on Monday. My doctor is recommending that we do another round of IUI this month because I have endometriosis and it has returned in the form of a small cyst. As the cyst grows, it will require surgery to be removed. Get this, the cyst is called a "chocolate cyst" - my initial response was, "Well, great! I've eaten so much chocolate that I'm actually growing it!" The hope is that the IUI will hurry the fertilization process along so we can become pregnant before the cyst grows larger and the entire process has to be interrupted for surgery. So I've been on 4 days of Letrozole and one day of Follistim injections - both of these drugs induce follicle (egg) production to increase the chance for pregnancy. We go to the doc on Monday for a songoram that will reveal how many eggs have been produced this month. If the eggs are mature, I will receive the hCG shot to make me ovulate and the IUI will happen Tuesday morning. That blows me away - two pregnancy tests in less than 25 days! If this doesn't work this month, we are going to take a break. My body, mind, and spirit need a rest from the hormones - not to mention my poor husband!

Brad and I laid in bed this week and I read some Psalms over us. This one made the tears fall because it reflects our heart's sincerest outcry:

Psalm 119

169 May my cry come before you, O LORD;
give me understanding according to your word.

170 May my supplication come before you;
deliver me according to your promise.

171 May my lips overflow with praise,
for you teach me your decrees.

172 May my tongue sing of your word,
for all your commands are righteous.

173 May your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.

174 I long for your salvation, O LORD,
and your law is my delight.

175 Let me live that I may praise you,
and may your laws sustain me.


We love Him because He first loved us. He is so good. In His time and His way, He will bless us with parenthood. Until then, we will cling to, wrestle with, and scream out: "Let me live that I may praise YOU, and may YOUR laws sustain me."

Our Baby Story - Blog 2: IUI

I had a date on Tuesday. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexy. No flowers. No 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. As a matter of fact, my man wasn't even there!
Just me, a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. The IUI procedure took about 8 minutes and I was glad when it was over! WHEW! Let's just say that it was not pleasant. Caused quite a bit of cramping and I nearly came off the table at one point from the discomfort - and I ain't no baby! I do not heart IUI - yet I sure do hope it works!

When the procedure was over, they tilted the table upside down and I tried to lay still and not fall off the darned thing. It would probably have been funny for an on-looker but I dare anyone to walk in that room and see me that way - one of us wouldn't come out alive. I may not have an ounce of pride left, but I'm still a lady. A lady who would kill you or gouge your eyes out if you saw me like that! I've turned into a life-sized science project. We are now praying for this science project to fertilize - swim boys, swim! We will find out on March 4th if we are pregnant. I started the Progesterone yesterday. It makes me sleep SO good. I love it. Hey, I should love something about all of this, right?

While laying on the tilt-a-table I prayed, "Lord, help me to accept your will. I really want a baby. I'll even take a litter if it's your will. Not my will, but Yours be done." I picked up my phone and clicked on the "Bible" app and I began reading in Proverbs 16 (cuz it was February 16. Proverbs has 31 chapters - one chapter for every day of the month). The first and last verses captured my heart and my breath:

Proverbs 16:1 (NLT)
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer."

Proverbs 16:33 (NLT)
"We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."

He's in control. He knows the plans He laid out for me and for Brad. We trust Him for those plans to be fulfilled. And we're still going to trust Him even when we don't get our way. He's the author of life (Acts 3:15) and He gives it to whom He chooses.

I hope for the day when I get to put these next verses in Psalm 139 on a piece of canvass and hang it on my nursery wall:

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.


I pray that the "secret place" described in verse 15 is being formed even now. A cocoon where only God knows what is happening as He forms the zygote that is to be our child. We still hope. We still pray. We still believe - even if we don't get our way.

Our Baby Story - Post 1

At the risk of the vulnerability of full disclosure, I've decided to blog about our (Our = Brad + Me) journey into the world of infertility. I want to share this because I know so many couples have gone through this. And it's hard. And it's embarrassing. And it's disappointing. And it's a pit. And then it's hopeful. And it's exciting. And it's a wonderland.

It began for us in August of 2008 - we decided we would stop birth control. Scary considering that when Brad and I got married in 2005 neither of us wanted children...not "just for now" but we "never want kids". And we meant it. Until 7 weeks into our marriage when my Dad suddenly died and something flipped in me, like a switch was turned on...I wanted to be a Mom. Not because my Dad died and now I needed something to love or to love me. It wasn't a decision born out of a "Daddy issue". It was like God spoke in my heart, "You're going to grow as a family. You want children." And BOOM! I wanted children. Just like that. It took Brad a while to catch up to my new "plan" for our life, but that's another blog for another day. Suffice it to say, God put a stubborn wife and a scared husband on the same page at the same time and they made a decision together to try to have a baby in the fall of 2008.

We went off the pill in August of 2008 with the expectation that it would take us 3 to 6 months to conceive because that's what all the baby websites said and it's what my OB/GYN told us in our "You want to have a baby" meeting. So you can imagine our surprise when I took a pregnancy test in September and it said "Pregnant". We were pregnant. Holy cow. Now what?!?!

Telling everyone was the most fun. The start to our marriage was faced with such adversity that everyone was thrilled for us because the baby thing was playing out like a fairy tale.

However, about 5 weeks into my pregnancy I began bleeding. I frantically called my doctor, she was out of town. More panic. The precious nurse at my doctor's office could sense my panic and sent me to the hospital's radiology department for a sonogram. Brad was working and couldn't get away, so my Mom and sister, Jenni, went with me. The radiologist technician performed the sonogram but wasn't allowed to tell me anything. I layed there trying to breathe. When she was finished, she told me to call my doctor's office and they would read the results to me. I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor. I'm not good at waiting.

My doctor's office told me to come directly over. I was sick to my stomach as we drove the 7 blocks between the hospital and the doctor's office. I was prepared for bad news. By this time my sweet friend, Jennifer, had caught up with us and joined us as we walked into the doctor's office. We were immediately taken back to a room and the nurse came in and told us that the sonogram was difficult to read. It looked like I was at the implantation stage and that is what caused the bleeding - relief swept over me and I began sobbing. The nurse explained that she wanted to run my "chors" which is the pregnancy hormone level found in your blood - if you are viably pregnant, then your chors should double every two days. She took me to a private room away from my family and friend. She began taking the blood and she said, "Jessica, I didn't want to tell you this in front of your family because you need to share it when you're ready." OMG! I knew it! Here comes the bad news! She continued slowly, "The sonogram showed that this is a twin gestation." A WHAT? I must have looked scared, shocked, and confused because she said, even more slowly, "Jessica, do you understand what I just said?"

I stared blankly. "Twins. You said it's twins." She smiled, "Yes, that's right."

She finished taking the blood and told me to come back Monday and so they could draw blood again to check the numbers.

I walked back to the room where my Mom, Sister, and friend were waiting and I said blankly, "Okay, we can go." We got on the elevator, the door closed, everyone was silent and then I dropped the bomb. "She told me it's twins. I'm having twins." Mom, Jenni and Jennifer began screaming and jumping up and down. I finally started laughing and crying at the same time. My Sister screamed, "I knew it! I knew that's what I saw on the sonogram - two sacs! I saw the technician type "A" and "B". I knew it!"

All I had to do now was tell my husband that we would be paying for two sets of extracurricular activities, two cars and two college educations. Yeah, that was not going to go over well. As predicted, Brad was not thrilled. He was pale. He was quiet. He was scared, which raised my own panic level. After telling him, I went to my bathroom and planted myself on the floor and cried and cried and then I cried some more. He came in and found me and picked me up and said it would be okay, if this was God's plan then He would guide us and we would figure this thing out. He prayed. I cried.

Monday rolled around quickly and we were back in the doctor's office having blood drawn. The doctor called a few hours later to say, "Jessica, your chors are beautiful! Just perfect!" I was relieved and excited about our next sonogram in three weeks.

Three weeks later, the day before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor ready to hear our babies' heartbeats, but there were no heartbeats. There were two empty sacs. I had miscarried. A D&C was scheduled for the following week. My heart was crushed, totally crushed. The fairy tale had come to an end.

We made it through the holidays and somehow hope made its way back into my heart. I believed that we would get pregnant again.

Month after month we waited. When you live in the "I'm trying to get pregnant" world, the assumption is that you live month-to-month, but the truth is, you live two weeks-to-two weeks. From menstration to ovulation from menstration to ovulation. It goes on forever until you pee on a magic wand and it says "PREGNANT". Our magic wand finally read "PREGNANT" again on July 4, 2009. We were elated, but this time we didn't want to tell the world until after we had heard a heartbeat around 8 to 10 weeks in. We never got to hear that heartbeat either. I miscarried at the end of July. This baby made it to six weeks and there was a crown in the sac. Another D&C was scheduled in August.

Two miscarriages, two D&Cs, and more IVs and pints of blood than a slasher film, landed me in the office of a fertility specialist in September of 2009. What a difference one year can make.

Since our first visit with the fertility specialist, I've undergone an HSG test and a hysteroscopy surgery and finally began my first round of fertility hormones in December 2009. I did not get pregnant my first round and then we had to take a month off because Brad had surgery to repair a hernia.

So here we are, today, February 15, 2010 and I have finished a week of Letrozole (the hormone that makes you produce eggs) and 4 days of shots of Follistim (another egg-inducing hormone).
We went to the doctor this morning to find out if the drugs worked...and they did! I have 4 mature eggs. The doc gave me an hCG shot to release the eggs to my uterus. I go back tomorrow morning at 10am so the doctor can perform the IUI (intrauterine insemination / artificial insemination).
We will find out in 2 weeks if we are pregnant.

More praying. More waiting on the Lord.

I stood in church on Sunday worshiping, taking Communion, praying and praising Him. It occured to me that I am truly complete in HIM. We will praise Him if He gives us 4 babies or if He never gives us any babies. His grace is truly enough. His body that was broken and His blood that was spilled out for me, while I was still a sinner, is enough. He's enough. We will still pray for babies. We will still hope for babies. But we will find our identity, our rest, our peace, our calling, our joy only through Jesus Christ. The prayer that I pray even more than "give me babies" is "let me accept Your will".

This is our baby story. Sorry the start has been so long! Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Please keep praying!

Welcome to the 21st Century, Jes!

It's almost all I could think about the entire month of December...I want to write my own blog. I'm not sure that I have anything uber special to say but having an outlet to say something when I need to say it sure is appealing to a wanna-be-author-preacher-teacher-communications chic.
So, I'd like to welcome myself to the 21st century. Welcome!
Now off I go to explore more technology-communication outlets through this little miracle called the internet machine.