Oh Baby...How He Loves Us!

Dark days followed my last post in April. Days of despair and fear and frustration. Tears fell utterly hopeless and sometimes bitterly. But life was busy. It was Easter and in my world which is "church world" Easter is the biggest event we encounter each calendar year. I threw myself into work. I spoke/taught 4 times during April and May and that was on top of my normal responsibilities.

People kept telling me that if I would stop thinking about "it" then I would miraculously find myself pregnant. What a bunch of CRAP! I never stopped thinking about getting pregnant. Not for ONE second. Not when I was sitting at my desk writing copy and running reports. Not when I was studying the Word and getting ready to teach. Not when I was with my best friends laughing. It never left my mind. I prayed and begged God for a baby every single day. And every night I would hide my doubt which made me feel shame by climbing into a hot shower and drowning my tears where no one could see. And those words, "if you'll stop thinking about it, He'll give you a baby" would beat me to a pulp. But God revealed something profound to me. God isn't cruel. He doesn't parent the way we humans parent. I could never fully buy into the idea or "theology" that God would "reward" me with a baby if I would stop thinking about it. He isn't the desperate Mom in Target bribing her tantrum-throwing child with a toy if the child will behave and be quiet for just a little while. He is good and He is loving and He is giving and His timing is everything. So I knew that it was solely a matter of His sovereign timing. So my faith never wavered...RIIGHT! SIKE! It was a total roller coaster that left me dizzy. One day my faith would be great and huge and powerful. And then I would doubt and despair and worry. And then I would have renewed faith and belief but then my human inadequacies would trickle in and I'd find myself at that place of doubt again. It was a faith walk for me. And I walked blindly every single day. I learned what "praying without ceasing" really means. Every thought I had that made me long for a baby would be followed by prayer, and sometimes whining, before a merciful God.

And then I got a cold...in June. A really bad "summer" cold. I laid in bed miserable and then I remembered that I had not looked at a calendar in a while and when I looked, I saw that I was late. I didn't get excited. I figured my system was still out of whack from all the hormone treatments the months before. I went to bed with not even a hope. But when I woke up the next day, I knew I was pregnant. I just knew that I knew that I knew. So I drove to Walgreens and bought another pregnancy test. I couldn't wait to get home, so I walked into the Walgreens bathroom and I did my business on the magic wand. The wait time is supposed to be 3 minutes...but that magic wand read "Pregnant" in about 30 seconds. I went into convulsions! Screaming, laughing, crying, shaking - my very special friend, Kristine, was with me and after about the 3rd time I hugged her and then shook her, she said, "Jes, calm down or I'm gonna take you to the hospital b/c you're hyperventilating and quite possibly having a seizure." I pulled it together...but the tears kept falling and the smile couldn't be penetrated.

I walked into Brad's salon and somehow managed to get him alone for 2 minutes and said, "we're pregnant". I gave him the magic wand - and he cried. And I cried and laughed and jumped up and down and convulsed some more.

God was so sweet to us. He gave us a baby. And He gave us a sweet medical "family" to watch over us with careful eyes. Progesterone shots commenced just 2 hours after we found out I was pregnant - my doctor wasn't going to take any chances.

We are currently at Week 11. I've been sick...LOTS of nausea and some vomiting. Exhaustion and headaches, body aches, and a sore and bruised "bum" from the daily progesterone shots...but it's ALL WORTH IT!!!

God is good. His glory is sweetly revealed when He gives. But even when He doesn't, He's no less good or holy or loving. He's perfect. His timing is everything.

Oh how He loves us!


1 Samuel 1: 27-28
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him (her) to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given to the LORD."

Our Baby Story - Post 4 - Oh How He Loves Us

It's been a while since I posted an update. I feel like I've traveled a million miles in the last 30 days. Our last pregnancy test was a big fat negative. I took it hard. I mean really hard. I never thought I was pregnant during that IUI cycle, and I didn't expect to be bummed out when the official call came. Nothing could have prepared me for the brokenness that ensued. It felt so...final. Brad and I had vowed to "take a break" if we didn't get pregnant but we never defined what a "break" was. So the "you're not pregnant" phone call felt a "You're not pregnant now and you're never gonna be pregnant" phone call. I cried. A lot. For days.

All along this journey I have had a soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. The main song has been "How He Loves Us" by the brilliant lyrical 'theologian', David Crowder.
I've said it out loud a thousand times "No matter what, He loves us. We will serve Him. We will trust Him. We will love Him." Looks like that is all being put to the test yet again in my life. As all this was being ironed out in my tired brain, I was asked to speak to our church on Wednesday before Easter. Our church has an annual "Love/Agape" Feast - it mirrors the last supper Jesus had with his disciples. We eat together and then we all gather for a big worship service. They asked me to speak about God's love for us in light of the cross. So I get the "you're not pregnant" call on Monday and two days later I'm supposed to deliver a message about God's great love for us. UGH! And yet, what an awesome privilege. What church in West Texas lets a woman get up and proclaim the gospel to a thousand people? That's why its the church God called us to serve in.

As I sat reading scripture about the cross, my heart and head were flooded with emotions. I didn't know where to land, what to say - and did I mention that the "audience" was made up of adults all the way down to 3 year-olds. Yeah, sure. Try speaking a relevant message to a 3-year-old and also to an 80-year-old. That became my heart cry, "ok, God, you chose me to give this message. Please capture the mind/heart/attention of the 3-year-old all the way to the 80-year-old through this crazy mouth-piece and help me not to lose it/break down/and be carried away to a hospital for the criminally insane". I really did pray that cuz I really felt crazy. Part of the "downer" of the baby news is the physical aspect of dumping the synthetic hormones out of your system. You go from daily shots and pills to nothing. Cold turkey. It ain't pretty. So I prayed. And I cried. And I read. And I sang. And I prayed and cried more.

Here's what God gave me:
1 John 4:10
"This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins."

Simple isn't it. Yet difficult to understand that it was God's choice. He chose to let His Son bare His wrath for our sin so that we could bare God's love and forgiveness. Oh How He Loves Us!
So that's what I said to them. Plain and simple. God was powerful in the moment. He was gracious over me and I only "lost it" ever so slightly (until I left the stage and fell apart completely against my husband's shoulder).

And you know what the awesome/crazy/scary thing is? The song that was sung as I left the stage...uh huh...David Crowder's "How He Love Us". I didn't request it. It was set up like that when I received the invite to speak...four days before I even knew the results of the pregnancy test. Oh How He Loves Me!

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves."

Confessions of a Weary Heart and an Empty Womb

I sat with three friends this weekend laughing and telling stories. It was a perfect 'Girls' Getaway' trip - yummy food, fun shopping, and hilarious conversation. Leave it to me, Debbie Downer, to turn hilarious conversation into tears. My friends sat around the dinner table sharing their childbirth experiences. Sweet stories about how their babies were born; what their husbands did; who was in attendance - the stories touched my heart and then I did the most humiliating thing...I sobbed. I sobbed the 'ugly cry' in the middle of a fun girl's trip at a great restaurant in front of God and everybody! I sobbed. I apologized and then I cried more as I explained that it hit me as they told their stories that I may never have one of those stories to tell. Before you judge me for being self-centered and pathetic, please understand, you can't possibly be harder on me than I am on myself. I was mortified. I had managed to turn their wonderful most life-changing experiences into something about me and my journey. UGH!

I shared this humiliating story with a girlfriend when I got home and she reminded me of Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred (put off; prolonged) makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Hope deferred can make a grown woman cry at a dinner table with 3 best girlfriends while having a fabulous time. Hope deferred can make you mad, make you cry, make you cuss. Hope deferred can make you overflow with so many emotions that the best thing you can do is scream and cry and throw things. Hope deferred can make every journal entry sound like an Edgar Allen Poe reflection of your life. Hope deffered can make you pick up the phone, call your best friend and scream, "Why did God forget me?" Hope deferred can make you give up hope altogether. Hope deferred is when you beg people to believe on your behalf cuz you just can't get your hopes up anymore.

So that's where I'm at...hope deferred has made my heart sick. The roller coaster of the build up and then the let down is more than I can bare. I've resigned myself to being numb in the place of the 'build up' period. That way, if there is a 'let down' it won't be such a LONG way down!

I haven't lost my faith. I haven't lost sight of God. I'm just wrestling with the reality of not getting what I've hoped for, prayed for, waited for. I don't know how some women go through years and years of fertility drugs and procedures. I think I would lose what's left of my mind if we did this one more month. We have decided that if we get a negative pregnancy test next week we are going to take some time off. My spirit, mind, and body need a break. Brad is precious. He has been holding me through every second of this and he's ready for a break, too.
So this is where I'm at today. And it's okay. God's still allowing me to 'work out my salvation' (Philippians 2:12) - eventually I'll get it worked out...I'll be with Jesus at that point (LOL), but there will be no greater 'longing fulfilled' than that day!

Our Baby Story - IUI Second Try

I have another date tomorrow with a nurse, stirrups, a long syringe, and a tilt-a-table. Can't say that I'm excited b/c this time I know what to expect - ouch. We are praying for less "discomfort" this time and Brad will be with me holding my white-knuckled fists. (This poor man - if you only knew what he puts up with!)

We are still praying and believing for God's perfect will, but I've got to admit that my spirit has grown weary in the last week. There's a fine line between keeping your feet planted in faith and the dark hollow that is doubt. Brad and I just keep on living - that's all we know to do. We can't stop life while we wait. So we're planning another trip for the summer, paying the bills, going to movies, meeting family for dinner, cleaning house, getting my gray hair bleached out (I love it!), and just living everyday clinging to God's goodness.

Until tomorrow...